October 2, 2023
July 30, 2023
December, 30, 2022 - This Collection Can be Summarized by a List
In this continuous one-of-a-kind collection, I felt compelled to do some very intense introspection. The way I phrase this sounds like introspection is a rare event for me, but at times I feel like it’s the only event.
I tend to think about my actions, my words, my goals, my mistakes so excessively that I kind of dig a hole in my brain. It’s a little better than being self conscious and a lot worse than the positively-regarded “self-aware” trait. Though I’m sure it has provided me maturity and has helped me dodge some bad situations, I often exhaust myself by thinking of myself in terms of people, places, scenarios, and responses. Who am I at this school? Who am I to this friend, to my family? Who do I have to be to achieve my goals? How much do I really know about myself? How much have I adopted from my surroundings? It’s a strange hybrid of perfectionism and paranoia and is followed by a weird cycle of angering myself for having such a self-concerned issue in the first place.
Before you tell me, I know that this process is not healthy for me, and I’ve been troubleshooting ways to reverse it. When I get down on myself (as I have a lot recently), I try to quiet all that situational thinking by reminding myself of some constants in my opinions and preferences. Kind of like deriving myself until I get a whole number. I try to remember the things that make me happy “innately”, rather than preferences I've adopted. I reflect on my first panic attack doing the "calming" craft of origami and on running down the street to feel happier, although I had hated running, historically.
So, if my preferences are always changing, based on my mood, my age, my availability — what do I have to tether me to myself?
- Looking at stars
- Horses
- the number 2
- Soft
This is the list so far.
Though nature vs. nurture is a conversation for AP Psychology, when I get down on myself I try to focus on the things that I’m 98% sure no one influenced me to like. When everything is changing, it becomes easy to think of myself as a means to get through certain situations. And it’s exhausting. Though one could argue there is no “innate” form of a person, this collection is a reflection of myself — it is a search for identity that is constant, if that even exists. Welcome to SamPazWorld.
What have you always loved?
xo,
sam paz
12/30/22 9:43PM
July 6, 2022 - NYC is Nice
So today is Wednesday July 6th and I am finally sitting down to review my NYC pop-up that happened Saturday 7/2/22. When I said this is going to be a walk through, trust me — I am going to walk you THROUGH. I never felt like I was good at keeping a diary, but I think I know how to tell a story and this is becoming one of my favorites.
I arrived the Friday night before the pop-up, carrying around a backpack, stuffed suitcase, and a huge poster I’d finished painting an hour before I reached the train station. I’d never considered myself a last-minute person, but I was still panting from running around my house, sticking tags on hangers and checking things off my list as I waited for the train.
Bad Habit by Steve Lacy is on a loop as we set the scene and I get on the train — for some reason I think I was more nervous in that moment than during this whole experience. I texted my friend Sam that I could probably throw up, and I was considering it to be honest. Looking back, it makes sense — the forecast said it was going to storm during the pop-up, I had taken off work that day and rushed to meet my train — everything was on the verge of happening or not. I’d thought about pushing the date back for Sunday, a sunnier day, but July 2, 2022 was my lucky 222 day — what I’d printed on flyers, posted in videos, and even tagged Bella Hadid in. Imagine if she showed up not knowing I moved the date…. So my friends and family were texting me screenshots of the forecast and I refused to accept it.
And sometimes denial works.
It took two more trains to drop my stuff off at Manny’s house in Queens, and on the way some MTA guy helping me move my suitcase under the turnstiles. New York City has always been especially kind to me, but I swear something was in the air that weekend.
I went back to Manhattan with only my Lucky You! 222 flyers, now edited with $2 coupons that said TOMORROW. My rotation then was still Bad Habit by Steve Lacy, touch tank by quinnie, and Blube by LAUNDRY DAY.
It’s pretty crazy to think about how I finished those flyers, set the online drop date, and the pop up date on the day I moved out of school in May. My parents were an hour away from the school, my roommate had left and I had packed nothing — yet I was talking with the old guy in the library about how to fix the printers to print the flyers I just finished editing. He wished me luck.
Anyways, Washington Square Park is alive and I’m putting up flyers on W 3rd and 6th, W 4th and Macdougal, and all around the park. Some guy approached me to take photos of this process, saying he was a photographer. I said okay and let him take a few pictures. An older man sitting on the bench was watching this interaction, and told me to get his card to make sure he’s legit, calling him a creep right where he could hear it. I panicked, asked him, and instantly tried to get the pictures and leave. His demeanor was less friendly after that comment, but he did in fact airdrop the pictures to me and that’s what you’re seeing now. To be honest his composition was off but they turned out pretty decent. I don’t recommend agreeing to something like that though.
I shook the hand of the man sitting on the bench to thank him for speaking up for me, and he said he worked in entertainment and that I should never give my picture out like that. He was right and I felt pretty naive. New York was kind to me again. Then Manny showed up in her minion outfit and we went back to her place. Still shaken up from the photographer guy, my anxieties had now spilled over to my weather concerns. But we decided if it rained — no it wouldn’t, but if it did, then it would rain. I couldn't control that.
I put a flyer on the E on our way back and a girl started reading it out loud to her friend on the phone. We watched her say “Sam Paz”, scan the QR code, and take a $2 slip. I had never really heard someone I didn’t know say my name like that, as a brand. I hid my face the rest of the trip as I watched what I think was her scrolling through my page. And that wrapped up any thinking about the weather that night.
Cut to the next morning, we’re getting ready to leave, taking Manny’s clothing rack, mini table, my suitcase and poster. I put on my Confessions t-shirt, a dark green baby-tee style, and racked my brain over what my confession would be (I never ended up filling it in, I am still weighing options to this day). We carried all the stuff through 2 trains to Washington Square Park and it was HOT. I had picked my spot the night before and began the setting up. The jar with markers and candy, the QR codes taped to the table, the pieces all put on their hangers. The park police then walked up to me, told me I had no license and to pack everything up.
I had talked to some vendors the night before — most of which had no license and sold their items everyday — who said this would happen. They told me to just pretend to pack up, wait until they left, and then put it out again and I'd be left alone. So that’s what I intended to do, but the police just stood there. After too many questions and their patience running out, I packed my stuff and we moved outside the arch, obscured by a tree. Through the branches I could see that they had almost followed us out the park, chatting against the fence that we’d just walked by.
I was concerned that everyone with a flyer strip, a video saved, or a reminder in their phone might miss it — as I was not inside the park I had promised to be. I was outside the entrance next to a table looking for volunteers for a Breast Cancer Foundation event. They were kind enough to let me park next to them and kept an eye out for the police. They looked through my pieces, picked favorites and even allowed me to say I was with their group if needed, who had a license to fundraise. I’m not sure if I would have felt more confident as quickly if they hadn’t reached out like that, if I didn’t watch them bring people in from the sidewalk to become volunteers. They even shouted “Best T-shirts in New York City!” — their words not mine. 
Then there was a guy selling hotdogs across the street who ran over with some water bottles. I didn't know I needed it but I guess he did, and he was right. Later, Manny ran across the street to give him some of the candy, which he was so grateful for. Right before he left, he gave Manny an apple that I ended up taking home. It was a honey crisp - my favorite kind. He just knew! If I ever find this man again we are dropping the most epic collab somehow, he was the sweetest.
It made me think about how my connection to this label could be so different if it wasn’t named after my name. It feels unnatural to be attaching your name, your public persona, to things you make and try to sell. It can feel pretty exploitative if you stray from authenticity, which everyone has been victim to at one point or another. I think that effort towards maintaining authenticity that is attached to my name is what makes me so invested, and that investment is a scary thing. So much of me is in this that rejection and poor reception used to feel so personal. It usually isn't though, and selling in person definitely helped with that;
Sometimes people walking by are just people walking by.
Anyways, I met some great people. We eventually brought it back to the park for a few minutes before I was confronted by the police again. They said if I stayed much longer or came back then I'd be fined. But around the same time Angela and Ashley from school appeared, and I met some people from Spain and made a cool friend who helped me move my stuff, and then Ashley, Angela and Manny went around interviewing people.
So we’re back behind the tree haha: My friends from home came, who took the train and walked all the way from Penn station for some reason. Confessions were told, a woman bought my headband, and I asked her for a picture but she said she doesn’t do press at the moment. She also just treated all her kids to the casino and got into a black SUV with tinted windows after the purchase. If you guys see any famous woman wearing the Halo headband let me know…..
I also met the sweetest girls who met studying a year in Germany (I think) and linked up in the city that day. We talked for so long, told some confessions, one of them saw my vision for Confession 06 — a baseball tee that I was worried wouldn’t sell. I love baseball clothing (I’ll credit my dad for that). They were so kind and if you’re reading this Kaila & Ceci, thank you!!!
On the topic of people I love, Spencer is the shiest guy ever until he’s not. He held up the posters and somehow convinced so many people to confess the craziest things. Then this flock of frat-looking guys came to our table, fresh from mimosa brunch and also Virginia? Then Seb fainted on top of my table and display, wood breaking and the rack rolling into the middle of the arch. If anyone can tap into street cameras please slide into my DMs…
The frat guys ran away and we helped him up, shoving a water in his hand. The women who just set up a THC lemonade stand put one of their slushies behind his neck. After he was sat up and more settled, I can admit I was pretty upset about it. The built up anxiety I had from the police and just the process of moving back and forth had kind of boiled over as I wheeled my rack back to my spot on the sidewalk and picked up splintered wood. But the show goes on and everyone was okay.
Maya, the kindest woman ever. She probably saved Seb’s life with that slushie (women in business!!). Since she got there, a DJ had been set up around our spot, and new businesses appeared on our silly sidewalk. She even did a confession for me: which was that she never told anyone "I wish you were dead". I misheard it and thought she was telling me that she wished I was dead — here is me looking at Spencer for help during that. But we got that cleared up eventually, the video is too good. 
Maybe we were banned from Washington Square Park, but without that we wouldn’t have inhabited this street corner with the kindest people and a patch of shade. The realest were outside the Arch on Washington Square North and 5th ave…. I said what I said.
In my last few minutes at the park, Manny and I wheeled the cart around the fountain, catching any last eyes before I packed things in my sister’s car. The sun was golden and the fountain was spraying at us and I remember that moment like a scene in a music video. But a really short scene — the park police started walking our way and we immediately rushed towards the exit, not looking back. Then the day ended with burrito bowls and wheeling an empty rack back to Manny’s. It didn't rain the whole day.
Life is crazy and people are so kind. Thank you for being part of it, for reading, shopping, confessing, liking my posts and everything in between. To many many many more experiences meeting awesome people because of my pieces. The ones I talked about here aren't even all the cool people I met that day. I am trying to build a community more than anything and I hope you can feel it. Thank you so much — bySamPaz to the moon!
Xoxo,
SP
June 22, 2022 @2PM
hello friends,
this is the day of my website launch and Confessions Collection.
Like all of my collections in the past, this one was inspired by a feeling - particularly being unapologetic and more open. This was very important for me to reflect on for a while because I realized I would work hard to accomplish big and small things and then rarely tell anyone - to not look like I was bragging or because I didn't want to seem like I was doing something for the validation, I guess. However, upon not sharing my own successes, it became harder to feel proud of them. I thought about how I got into the final rounds of this insane internship and literally never told anyone. How I finessed meeting one of my favorite designers and barely told anyone. Once I started sharing these things with my peers, I realized that people who genuinely support you want to hear about good things happening for you. Good things for you doesn't mean less good for somoeone else (in most cases).
Then the idea was born, and I interviewed people at school and parties about what they've never told anyone, and was able to meet so many great people and hear their crazy stories.
I hope you feel proud or own up to whatever you decide to write on the shirts. So much love went into all this, especially because I shared this with my people!!!!! I love you!!!
Okay bye,
xoxo
Sam Paz